Showing posts with label Eddie Muller. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eddie Muller. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Noir City Wrap Up


Those who know me know I take film noir very seriously. I was honored to find our friends at The Rap Sheet give a nod to WID and my Noir City reporting in late January. And then ... and then ...

What happened? Did I drop off a log? Did my fedora fall over my eyes? Did I (gasp) not go to the festival?

None of the above. What happened was ... well ... there's no other way to explain it. GOOD NEWS. And--as any noirhead knows--good news--particularly the kind of toe-squirming, technicolor, Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley musical dream-come-true good news--is not conducive to the dark and usually wet streets of Noirville.

Here's what happened. Right before the last weekend of the festival, I accepted a two-book deal with Thomas Dunne/St Martin's Minotaur for my 1940 San Francisco PI noir, RICE BOWL. And, to tell you the truth, I've been feeling a little, well, musical-ish ever since. More like Maria in The Sound of Music than Mildred in Mildred Pierce. More like the first book's Harry Potter than the fifth's. I am thrilled beyond belief, and wake up telling myself that it's real and it's fabulous, and that it's not all a flashback from an unreliable narrator.

So naturally, I had to let some time pass before I could stop seeing rainbows and properly tackle my normal habitat. I write noir, after all. And RICE BOWL is both of the noir world and upends it. But more on it--lots more on it--later. We've got time, and this post is for the smash-bang closeout of the greatest film festival in the world.

Now keep in mind that I'm still a working girl, and I unfortunately can't see everything. I squeezed in Thursday to see The Big Clock (1948) on the big screen, and a treat it was. Based on the terrific novel by Kenneth Fearing (I bought a tattered first edition last year)--the movie was shot beautifully by the underrated John Farrow (Mia's dad--he married Maureen O'Sullivan, a co-star in the film, during the shooting).

Ray Milland was charming, debonair and reassuringly confident in the midst of tension (the script sported several light-hearted touches), Charles Laughton was delightfully controlling and villanous, femme fatale Rita Johnson (They Won't Believe Me) more appealing than the rather pallid Maureen, George Macready (the creepy Nazi Ballin in Gilda) appropriately smarmy, and Elsa Lanchester stole every scene she was in with a comic role as an artiste. Rounding out the cast was Henry Morgan as a murderous masseur/thug (and if you've only thought of him as Sherman Potter, prepare yourself) and Louis van Rooten as a radio actor (which he was in real life).

For me, the real star of the movie was the set design by Hans Dreier, which was truly a marvel to behold. Sort of prefigures the Bond sets in terms of size equalling threat, yet with a Deco panache that was quite beautiful. All in all, a classic, and not to be missed.

Perhaps even more enjoyable (and like The Big Clock, this was not my first viewing of the film) was the Claude Rains' vehicle The Unsuspected (1947), which aired the next evening.

Why Michael Curtiz has never been accorded auteur status is due to the fact that he was brilliant in every genre. Here, his Expressionist background in light and dark gradually draw us into a gothically forbidding world of dread and suspense. Rains has never been better or more charming. The plot concerns a radio show host (think of "Suspense" or "Escape" or "The Whistler" if you know classic radio) whose secretary is found hanging above his desk. But we know it's not suicide from a brilliant opening sequence that makes full use of the audio and visual to create a panoply of noir beauty and thrills.

Audrey Totter steals every scene she's in ... sashaying around and calling everyone "lover" but her husband. Constance Bennett proves wonderful and an equal scene-stealer in an Eve Arden like role. The movie is so well-directed and acted by these three--and the always enjoyable noir heavy Jack Lambert--that you overlook the woodenness of Michael North, who apparently retired from acting after making it. Hurd Hatfield (title role in The Picture of Dorian Gray) chews the bar in half as the debauched painter husband of Audrey. And Joan Caulfield is charming, if not particularly memorable, as Rain's niece. But it really works ... and it's not on DVD but occasionally is shown on TCM, so watch for it!

Second billing that night was Desperate (1947), which I've also seen (this is what comes of watching noir all the time), albeit not on a big screen. An early Anthony Mann effort, the cinematography and shot set ups prefigure his greatest work, and the film is worth seeing if only for one spectacular "interrogation" scene by gangster Raymond Burr. Steve Brodie plays a truck driver gulled into participating in a heist. After a threat to his wife (the appealing Audrey Long), he's determined to get her somewhere safe before going to the cops (even if it means stealing cars along the way). His character makes the words "trust me" a bit comical, but the film is great entertainment, with a lot of interesting touches (a Czech wedding!).

Finally, my last foray into Noir City was the Fritz Lang thriller Beyond a Reasonable Doubt (1956). Again, this was the second time I'd watched the film, and on the big screen--and with a second viewing--my appreciation and admiration for it grew enormously ... just as Foster Hirsh, who introduced the film along with Noir Czar Eddie Muller, said it would. Joan Fontaine is the independent love interest of a writer (and I've got to say, I really enjoyed the lines about deadlines and writing and publishing) played by the always noirish Dana Andrews. Her father--his soon-to-be father-in-law--is a newspaper man vehemently opposed to capital punishment (Sidney Blackmer). Dad's got a great idea--how about if someone innocent frames himself for murder, gets convicted, is sentenced to death, and then produces evidence of innocence ... wouldn't that prove the folly of relying on circumstantial evidence and make people hesitate before sending convicts to the chair? Sure it would, Dad-in-law ... sure it would.

The film has been remade for release later this year, with Michael Douglas and the young Amber Tamblyn, who has the excellent taste to name The Asphalt Jungle as one of her favorite movies. Director/writer Peter Hyams also helmed the Gene Hackman/Anne Archer remake of The Narrow Margin. So see the original before you see the remake.

And watch it more than once ... it's really terrific, though filmed on an incredibly cheap budget. As a bonus, the delightful Barbara Nichols--real life former model and burlesque queen, always memorable and a scene-stealer in The Sweet Smell of Success--plays the role of (you guessed it) a stripper. She steals these scenes, too.

The festival closed with The latter film--maybe Burt Lancaster's greatest performance--and a new print of The Killers ... but alas, it was a Sunday, and I was wrapped up in work and good news.

I'll be back with more films noir--and more of everything--later. In the meatime, keep your cigarettes dry and your bourbon wet, and if someone asks you to frame yourself ... think twice!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Noir City, Night Two: What a Dahl!


The loyal denizens of Noir City were treated to a visit by Hollywood Royalty last night. The Film Noir Foundation and a sold-out theater of 1,407 lucky film-goers paid tribute to the legendary Arlene Dahl, va-va-va voom girl and wonderful actress. What a night ... and what a Dahl!

The evening began with an ode to nostalgia: this year, as part of the Newspaper Noir theme, newspaper boys--and girls--dressed in the archetypal hat and knickers of legend, roam the waiting lines of the festival, hawking free Noir City programs to eager ticket holders. Last night they yelled "Extra, Extra--Arlene Dahl in person between shows!" It's a great gimmick, and the kids were wonderful ... and I'm betting it helped sell a few more Chronicles and New York Times, too.

Ms. Dahl arrived to applause from the hundreds of people waiting in line, accompanied by her husband, Marc Rosen, and actor son, the gallant and handsome Lorenzo Lamas. A bit later, passport holders were allowed into the theater for a fabulous reception, complete with cocktails made with the official Noir City spirits Rain Vodka and Eagle Rare Bourbon (my poison was bourbon and soda, natch), and a sumptuous feast of hors d'oeuvres. Ms. Dahl, as gorgeous as ever, graciously signed autographs and posed for pictures, while her family watched proudly.

Then ... the movie. WICKED AS THEY COME (1956) was a star vehicle for Ms. Dahl, showcasing not just her amazing beauty, but her formidable talent. She portrays an impoverished, working-class girl who scrambles over a chain of men into a rich marriage ... only to have her past catch up to her with disastrous results. What do you expect? This is Noir City, baby!

The film is reminiscent of the pre-code Stanwyck masterpiece Baby Face, but offers an interesting twist (and one that indicates how obsessive filmmakers were with psychology and juvenile delinquency in the mid-'50s): Ms. Dahl's character, Kathy Allen, harbors an emotional block against intimacy and a pathological hatred of men not because she is as "wicked as they come", but because she was the victim of a horrendous crime in her early adolescence. Heady stuff--and Ms. Dahl's performance was perfect.

Philip Carey and Herbert Marshall ably rounded out the star list, and the film was sumptously filmed--on location in Britain--by Basil Emmott. Director Ken Hughes may be more famous for his British Double Indemnity noir, The House Across the Lake (1954) -- and for directing the only Ian Fleming musical, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968) -- but WICKED AS THEY COME is a wonderful piece of filmmaking, and a shining example of Ms. Dahl's tremendous talent.

After the credits, the screen segued to a delightful series of film clips from Ms. Dahl's films, everything from song and dance numbers (Three Little Words) to melodrama (Woman's World) to historical noir (Reign of Terror--shown at last year's Noir City) to fantasy adventure (Journey to the Center of the Earth). Audience favorite was probably the steamy clip from Sangaree (1953), in which she co-starred with husband Fernando Lamas. What made it even more memorable is the fact that Lorenzo had never seen his mother on the big screen before last night.

Noir Czar Eddie Muller then brought Ms. Dahl to the stage for a champagne toast and a tremendous standing ovation. Gracious, delightful, and a mesmerizing conversationalist, Ms. Dahl discussed her origins in show business, her work, her equally legendary co-stars, and paid tribute to both the Castro's own beauty as a movie palace and to the adoring audience. The time passed too quickly ... and after another standing ovation, Ms. Dahl and her family made their way out of the theater, accompanied by the sound of applause and the hearts of 1,407 habitues of Noir City.

The second film then aired: a technicolar and Super Scope 1956 feast called SLIGHTLY SCARLET, starring Ms. Dahl and friend and fellow redhead Rhonda Fleming. If you don't think noir can be shot in color, think again. John Alton--probably the foremost master of shadow and light to grace Hollywood--made the oranges and greens and blues and purples as lurid as a black and white Bowery gutter.

The story was ostensibly based on James M. Cain's Love's Lovely Counterfeit, but the script rambled, sometimes into incoherency. The plot involved the ostensible clean-up of a crooked Bay City by "publicity man" John Payne, who is actually an underling of the mob boss his clean-up machinations overthrows. He uses his knowledge of Rhonda's relationship with the newly-elected goody-two shoes Mayor (she's his secretary--and what a secretary!) and her younger sister's klepto- and nymphomania (played to the delicious and perfect hilt by Ms. Dahl) to manipulate them into helping him with his coup.

The problem is that despite Payne's charisma and able performance, his motivation is unclear and underwhelming, and the movie doesn't flesh out Cain's plot well enough to make you sympathize with him. Ted de Corsia turns in his usual spectacular character performance as the overthrown Little Caesar, but Ms. Dahl, as Dorothy Lyons, steals the show ... and not just in her leopard print swim suit, but in a captivating, convincing performance of mental illnesss that made me wish she'd been able to play Carmen Sternwood in The Big Sleep.

Veteran director Allan Dwan wisely kept the camera on the eye-popping scenery--Rhonda and Ms. Dahl against a symphonic technicolor backdrop. SLIGHTLY SCARLET may have suffered from a weak script, but with star power like that, you can quote Robert Mitchum in Out of the Past ... "Baby, I don't care."

I'm a working girl, so I've got to leave the mean streets for a few days, hopefully to return on Thursday. In the meantime, keep your powder dry and watch out for redheads ... they spell terrific trouble in Noir City!


Saturday, January 24, 2009

That's the Press, Baby! - Noir City Opening Night

Last night it rained in San Francisco. It always rains in San Francisco for two weeks in January--when she opens the Golden Gate to murder, lust, corruption and cheap cigarettes.

Yes, it was Noir City night at the Castro Theater, and Bay Area residents let the rain drops drip from their fedoras, and sauntered over to a sold-out movie palace to pay tribute to urban poetry. Noir Czar and Czarina Eddie Muller and Anita Monga have programmed a punchy, timely and provocative theme this year--Newspaper Noir, from the days when the press didn't mean smarmy, politicized gossip from ill-educated and attention-seeking hacks.

... or did it?

One thing a steady dose of noir will teach you--and I've been dipping into it for a long, long time--is that the more things change, the more they stay the same. So last night we were treated to two films that dealt with the distintegration of news to sensationalism and the tawdry manipulation of fear and wish-fulfilment ala "reality tv" ... only the year was 1952.

Just as the internet threatens -- and some would say, has sealed the fate -- of the printed "wuxtry!" that was the most popular and affordable media of its time, back in the early '50s the threat was TV. And then--as now--the owners of said news outlets wrestled with what to do.

The first film, Richard Brook's DEADLINE--USA, is an obit for the ethical newspaper man ... the current editor and now-deceased owner who believed in the power of the press and in the dignity of the human being. In newspapers that function as social outlets, the voice in the wilderness crying for reform, the byline that isn't afraid to speak the truth to the masses, not just cater to their taste for sensationalism.

And what a movie ... no film about the press captures its allure and its power and the Sophie's Choice of its purpose--to report or to exploit?--better than DEADLINE. Only the sardonic comedy of The Front Page and its remake, His Girl Friday, comes close at all.

Richard Brooks (Brute Force) wrote a snap-crackle screenplay, sharp with wit and observation, and matched it with flawless direction. Humphrey Bogart is perfect casting as the epitome-of-decency editor, Ethel Barrymore also perfect as the owner's widow who regains her self-respect and fighting spirit in battling to save the paper her husband founded. No one--and I mean no one--ever played those parts as well as Ethel, my favorite of the Barrymores.

The always believable Kim Hunter rounds out the stars of the cast as Bogie's ex-wife, but the film really sang with stellar performances by some terrific character actors. Fleshing out the roles of reporters were Paul Stewart (Citizen Kane, The Window, Kiss Me Deadly) perfect as the tough sports writer, Jim Backus in an understated and convincing performance as the gossip man, Warren Stevens as a cub reporter determined to get the story, Broadway actress Audrey Christie as the hardboiled press dame, and Ed Begley as Bogie's right-hand man. Martin Gable owned the part of Rienzi, the untouchable city crime boss, and never overplayed a moment (it's the kind of role Rod Steiger would have chewed to bits).

Uncredited and virtually unknown actress Kasia Orzazewski portrayed the immigrant mother of a crime victim and dominated a moving scene late in the film. This was a character actress made for noir. Though her filmography is unfortunately tiny, she played small but memorable bits in three other top-notch noirs: Call Northside 777, Thieves' Highway (one of the very best) and I Was a Communist for the FBI.

Watch DEADLINE-USA if you can catch it on TCM, and advocate for its release on DVD. It's a truly great film, and a loving ode to the power of the press ... baby.

SCANDAL SHEET rounded out the opening night double-feature, and Broderick Crawford--always a superb actor--makes a dynamic and convincing editor, one who can recognize the merit of a story to emotionally manipulate the "slobs" that increase his tabloid's circulation. Yes, ladies and gentlemen--this was tabloid "journalism", and the year was 1952.

"Yellow" journalism is something you might remember hearing about in your high school history class, often linked with the name "Hearst". While Bogart and his paper recognized the power of the press and lived up to the moral responsibilities that came with it, Crawford and his Board of Directors -- despite hypocritical complaints about "immorality"--recognized the power and exploited the hell out of it.

Give the public what it wants ... a sucker is born every minute ... you get the idea. The more lurid the content, the more cheap and tawdry and trashy the stories, the more exploitative of people's victimization or misfortune, the more the circulation numbers shoot up--up--and up. It's Noir City, baby ... and it's also tomorrow's headline.

Ironically, Crawford's downfall begins with his reality-show-type creation of a Lonelyhearts Club, purely a publicity stunt designed to prey on the saps. It all seems so (unfortunately) modern--but Queen for a Day had been around for years (radio and then television), and no other show before--and possibly, since--so shamelessly milked false sentiment from dried up mammary ducts.

SCANDAL SHEET'S twists are many, and they all start to tighten around Crawford's thick neck. Y'see, he kills his ex-wife, covers it up, and then his star cub reporter--the dreadful John Derek--decides to solve the crime ... all in the name of circulation.

Donna Reed is terrific as the moral yet sexy good girl, Rosemary de Camp gives the performance of her life as Crawford's ex-wife, Harry Morgan is acid and biting as the cynical photographer, and character actors Henry O'Neill and Griff Barnett give excellent performances as two men who pull Crawford's noose ever tighter. And there are some amazing shots of amazing character faces playing rummies in the Bowery. As Morgan acerbically observes, "That does it--I'm not taking another drink."

SCANDAL SHEET, ably directed by Phil Karlson (Kansas City Confidential) and based on a Sam Fuller novel, only fell short with its second lead John Derek. Though he offered a brash sort of energy reminiscent of Tom Cruise, Derek was completely unconvincing in every role I've ever seen, and this, sadly, was no exception. Possibly cast to capitalize on his earlier portrayal of Crawford's son in All the King's Men, an actual actor would have been a much better choice. Still, the film's treasures outweigh Derek's feather-light performance.

Noir City continues tonight with a tribute to leading lady Arlene Dahl, and yours truly will be back with more ... for now, pay honor to the power of the press ... quit reading this blog and buy a newspaper, baby!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Random 16

A couple of weeks ago, I was tagged for another meme-thing on Facebook ... Linda Richards, top-notch idea woman that she is, inspired me to reuse it here. I like the idea of reuse, make do or mend ... why limit a perfectly good meme to the Facebook environment?

Like everyone else apparently, I'm excited about the Inauguration. I'll be recording it for viewing after work. And I'm hoping that the number of newspaper special editions it sells will help keep our remaining dailies in business ...

Speaking of which, Noir City is this Friday, January 23rd ... Noir City, a font of inspiration and sweaty, heady obsession ... Noir City, the premiere film festival in the world, the dreamchild of the desperate, the deranged and the dangerous. Noir City. The name says it all, baby. And of course I'll be there, holding my Noir City passport. No shots this year--I've been inoculated before.

This year's theme ties in with the sad decline of journalism and the inky magic of tangible print--yes, it's Newspaper Noir, and the lead film is the Humphrey Bogart vehicle Deadline, USA. Noir Czar Eddie Muller's father was a byline sports columnist for the San Francisco Examiner, and believe you me, these films will all pack a nostalgic wallop of the long-gone world of real journalism ... you know, before news became merely opinion.

Somehow, Eddie always pulls rabbits and magic out of his many hats ... this year's festival will be really special (and Arlene Dahl is the guest!), so forget economic news or post-holiday blues--find a million dollar baby at San Francisco's Castro Theater, because Noir Days Are Here Again.

One more thing before the meme: I was saddened to learn that Ricardo Montalban passed away. A charming, ever-urbane man of wonderful talent, charisma and personal appeal, he enriched a bleak television landscape with fun and fantasy, and graced a number of good films with his presence. One of them was a hard-hitting noir, helmed by Anthony Mann and lensed by John Alton: Border Incident. Coincidentally, it's airing on TCM on the opening date of Noir City (Friday, January 23rd), so if you can't come to San Francisco, you can pay tribute to both noir and Montalban by watching this fine film. I'll post a review of it soon ... in the meantime, see the trailer here.

Now ... the sixteen bits of personal trivia. I was originally tagged by legal eagle and thriller writer Ken Isaacson, and the MWA Maven herself, Margery Flax.

1. Ken now owes me at least two drinks at the next conference for getting "The Pina Colada Song" stuck in my head.

2. Confession: I'm a sap for any song that features classic Hollywood ... "Bette Davis Eyes" ... "Vogue" ... and, yes, even "Key Largo" (We had it all ... just like Bogie and Bacall!)

3. I was the only girl in my kindergarten play. I played the little billy goat in The Three Billy Goats Gruff--and not knowing that billy meant male, I wore a pastel dress and a hair ribbon.

4. When I was six I wanted to be a paleontologist.

5. My mother tells me I used to love the Beatles when I was a baby.

6. My first pony's name was Sugarfoot. My second pony's name--when we moved to Florida--was Rascal. My first horse's name was Mahalia. And my mom knew Mahalia Jackson.

7. I am very proud of whistling well.

8. I collect comic books and paper ephemera from the '30s and '40s for research and pleasure.

9. My Mae West impression won the role of the courtesan in The Comedy of Errors for me.

10. I'm an incurable Romantic. That's why I write noir.

11. I almost attended UC San Diego and was accepted there as a Chemistry major ... I thought about becoming a cosmochemist.

12. I attended the University of Dallas on a scholarship as a Drama major instead.

13. I'm the first person in my family to graduate from college.

14. I'm a coal miner's granddaughter.

15. My background is half Polish and half English, Irish, and Scottish with some Choctaw thrown in.

16. I refuse to eat viscera, but I love escargot.

Got a trivium or two? Share some of your own!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

A Killer Double Feature


This weekend, I was faced with preparing for BookExpo America, for which I am traveling to Los Angeles this week (I'll be signing and giving away advanced reading copies of my book at the Mystery Writers of America booth). But I also had some fun on Saturday: I traveled to the East Bay, to see a double feature of The Killers (one of the all-time great noirs) and Eddie Muller's neo-noir short classic, The Grand Inquisitor.

To make the package even more irresistible, the movies were screened at a fantastic theater: the Cerrito, a restored 1937 deco masterpiece in downtown El Cerrito. Saved from the greedy, amoral hands of developers by the Friends of the Cerrito Theater, a grass-roots non-profit, and later purchased by the city itself, the Cerrito is a Speakeasy Theater ... and as anyone who knows me can attest, I can't resist anything calling itself a speakeasy.

What it means in this context is that film-goers have the option of lounging in comfortable couches and armchairs, snuggling and eating delicious pizza or salad or nachos with a big bowl of buttered popcorn. You can even get a bottle or glass of wine or beer, and make it date night--in fact, one of the best packages is "The Cheap Date," a $35 deal which includes two admissions, a medium pizza with three toppings (home-tossed and delicious!) a big bowl of popcorn and a bottle of wine or two large beers. As they say in Kansas (or should, anyway) -- that ain't hay.

The Cerrito is a model of what can be done to make historic theaters viable business venues, whether for time-worn classics or today's (mostly forgettable) fare. Of course, it depends on the spirit of the community, and I take my hat off to the can-do citizens of El Cerrito.

Now, I reviewed The Grand Inquisitor back in January, the day after its debut at Noir City. And as great as it was on first showing, the film, like fine wine, only improves with another sip.

Eddie Muller is the most modest genius I know. And I don't use the word lightly. The man has just finished a run with the Thrillpeddlers' production of a lost Noel Coward play (also reviewed in Writing in the Dark), writes brilliant fiction (The Distance, Shadow Boxer), classic non-fiction (Dark City: The Lost World of Film Noir) and knows more about film noir than anyone, with the possible exception of Bertrand Tavernier, though I'd still bet on Eddie for the Jeopardy championship.

In fact, Eddie has just returned from a trip to Paris, where he was feted by the French and where he screened The Grand Inquisitor (the audience included Tavernier). The Distance was recently published in France as Mister Boxe, and Lire magazine called it the Thriller of the Year. His film was also shown three times as part of the prestigious San Francisco International Film Festival. So yeah -- I don't speak lightly. Eddie is not just the Czar of Noir (founder and President of the Film Noir Foundation) ... he's its Leonardo da Vinci.

If you get a chance to see The Grand Inquisitor, don't miss it. Just to take one element of the twenty-minute film (other than the outstanding acting by screen goddess Marsha Hunt and newcomer Leah Dashe): the mise-en-scene and art direction (please forgive the lack of accents) is amazing. On my first viewing, I was so awestruck by Marsha's incredible performance (and Eddie's pacing and framing), that I hadn't realized subtle clues adding to the film's mystery and claustrophobic atmosphere ... notice the pill bottles here and there in the opening shot's of Lulu's bedroom. Notice the dense, smoke-filled, shut-in feeling of the house. Notice the stacks of newspapers, unread, that fill the space behind Marsha as she sits in her chair.

Small things can add up to greatness, and The Grand Inquisitor is one great movie. To make matters even more chilling, Eddie's short story (published in the sublime anthology A Hell of a Woman, edited by Megan Abbott) upon which the film is based, is, in turn, based on some actual non-fiction discoveries he made while prowling through bookstores. Names have been changed to protect the possibly guilty.

What would you do if you think you may have found the Zodiac killer's notebooks? See The Grand Inquisitor for a possible answer.

The second half of the evening was filled with magnificent views of a young Burt Lancaster and Ava Gardner in The Killers (1946), beautifully directed by Robert Siodmak. The flash back structure of this film makes it a detective story within a noir tale of greed and lust and amour fou.

Siodmak's camera lingers lovingly on the drop-dead beauty of his stars (and neither ever looked better) ... in a memorable shot from the first meeting of Lancaster (The Swede) and Gardner (Kitty) , a burning lamp filament juts phallically between them, glowing violently ... and it is the raw, animal charisma of these two that drives the film forward. It's almost like watching a nature show.

The casting of pudgy, middle-aged Albert Dekker (Big Jim) as Ava's other love interest makes their relationship feel physically and morally wrong, as if it's a crime against biology. Other careful casting enriches the minor roles:William Conrad and noir favorite Charles McGraw play the eponymous hired hitmen, Jack Lambert enlivens Dum-Dum, Vince Barnett portrays Charleston, the star-gazing thief, and Queenie Smith gives a touching, memorable turn as the maid. Sam Levene, so memorable in Brute Force, another Lancaster noir classic, and as the victim in Crossfire, makes a likable, believable cop. Virginia Christine, whom you may remember as Maxwell House's Mrs. Olsen, is the good girl. Even Edmund O'Brien, who often overacts, delivers the goods as the insurance investigator.

This is a film to be savored--like 70-year old Scotch. If you get a chance to see it on the big screen, do ... and Eddie reported the good news that the film has been restored by the studio, which bodes well for a future release.

Walking out of the theater--and the movies played to a full house--I overheard a group of people talk excitedly about how wonderful The Killers was.

So move over, Indiana. We love you, too, but when cinema can compel new generations of movie-goers to laugh, cry, bite their fingernails or applaud after sixty years, that's a real box-office winner.

Next: I'll be at BEA next weekend, and will attempt to blog if I don't get lost in all the hullabaloo!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

A New Noel and the Grand Guignol!


What do Noel Coward, the quintessentially English satirist of upper crust British foibles (and author of theater classics like Private Lives) and a quintessentially French, gruesome, farcical 19th century theater of shocks and horror (as revived by the San Francisco Thrillpeddlers) have in common?

Eddie Muller. Yup, the Czar of Noir is back, out of the Castro Theater and in the Hypnodrome in San Francisco, demonstrating why he is not only an amazing cultural archaeologist, but a contemporary Renaissance Man.

A few weeks ago, Eddie gave me the preamble: The Better Half, a lost one act Noel Coward play had been recently discovered by University of Glamorgan scholar and historian Dr. Richard Hand, along with his colleague, Michael Wilson. Lurking in the files of Britain's Lord Chamberlain (the official censor of British theater), the 1921 comedy had actually been written as the comedy portion of a Grand Guignol production in London. Eddie was directing the AMERICAN PREMIERE. Yup, folks, not Broadway, not Stratford, not even Off-Off, or Off-Off-Off, but the Hypnodrome in Noir City won the right to re-premiere this lost Noel nugget. The Better Half would be the first half of a night of Grand Guignol, followed by Christopher Holland's The Old Women; or, A Crime in a Madhouse.

Give the Coward estate kudos: the chance to have the play performed within its original context won the Thrillpeddlers the bragging rights. And Eddie, who has specialized in premieres this year (as those who were lucky enough to see The Grand Inquisitor or The Prowler at a Noir City film festival can testify), took on the challenge.

And--of course--like everything Eddie touches, it came out gold. I was there last night, on the second preview of the show. The set design was nothing short of a miracle--this is a warehouse venue, after all, a tiny DIY theater. And yet the creative use of carved out flats suggested both a 1920s dadaist/deco impression of a well-bred London flat AND (in the second half) a decayed and forbidding (and ecclesiastical) French insane asylum. Programs weren't printed yet, so I unfortunately can't credit the phenomenal designer by name ... but the design was nothing short of genius.

So, too, was Eddie's use of it. He moved his cast of three actors around the tight, almost claustrophobic space and made it feel like one of those grand English drawing rooms in a 1930s screwball comedy. Cinematic flourishes and suggestive, flirtatious touches that underlined and perfectly punctuated the dry wit and fast-paced one-liners completely captured the Coward ambiance. The dialog coach Eddie brought in had done a remarkable job with the actors -- and even Mr. Muller sounded like a young Ronald Colman.

Eddie's terrific direction was enhanced by an amazing performance from an actress I hope we hear more from: Alice Louise. The Better Half is a three character comedy, with the figure of Alice, a frustrated wife, functioning as the centerpiece. Much of it flowed like a monologue, and without a truly gifted actress in this part, the play would've fallen flat. Alice Louise more than lived up to the tremendous challenges of the tiny venue and constricted stage: she seemed to channel Gertrude Lawrence in the sheer charm and virtuosity of her performance. I saw Judi Dench in Hayfever on the West End a couple of years ago; Alice Louise easily bested most of the actors in that production. She's an actress to watch.

Some of you may be wondering what Grand Guignol is ... the short version is that it was an actual theater in Paris' Montmartre that specialized in the sensational, emphasis on senses. Lots of horror, and all of it front of you, not off-stage. Eye-gouging, torture scenes, all the stuff you're now familiar with from Tales of the Crypt. It has exerted tremendous influence on entertainment of every stripe--from comic books to television to film and plays. Think Sweeney Todd or Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, and you'll get the idea.

The original plays, however, often contained a large dose of social commentary, and the second half of last night's double bill was no exception. Directed by Thrillpeddler's charming and demonically genial host, Russell Blackwood, the production was an extremely well-executed and well-acted (the young actress who portrayed the victim was a real stand-out) tale mixing grotesque, explicit violence with farce and a sharp critique of the Catholic church. While my personal tastes run toward a slightly more restrained approach in both film and live production, the Grand Guignol is something to experience, and everyone should be grateful to the Thrillpeddlers for keeping it alive with such style and verve.

Grand Guignol, after all, can be traced back to classical Greece, where plays featured women who dismembered their sons and men who blinded themselves after incest with their mothers. And the addition of the comedy element can be considered a satyr play, that brief foray into sex and comedy that Athenian playwrights wrote for the end of a long day of tragic fare.

So even if you're not particularly a fan of the Vault of Horror, troop down to the Hypnodrome on 10th street in San Francisco -- for a twenty dollar seat, you'll get a night of rich entertainment: a scintillating and brilliantly-directed new Noel Coward confection, and a stomach-churning, over-the-top George Romero-style French classic. How can you miss? By the way, a radio interview with Eddie and Dr. Hand will be broadcast on Tuesday on KALW, for those who want to hear more back story.

Next week: Return to noir, with Robert Mitchum and Faith Domergue in Where Danger Lives ... or, as I call it, Never Date a Suicide ...

Monday, February 4, 2008

One More for the Road ...


Noir City 6, to contradict good ol' T.S., who was something of a noir poet himself, ended not with a whimper, but a bang.

Kids, anytime Richard Widmark and Ida Lupino show up in 35 mm, it's the Big Bang.

Widmark -- the man who patented the giggling yet somehow charismatically cute psychopath -- is still with us, at 92. We lost Ida in the '90s. Thank God for film.

A couple of years back, I saw the creamiest print of Night and the City you can imagine, out at the warm and wonderful Balboa Theater during Noir City 3. The print had only been shown twice before, to some VIP in the Greek government. Don't ask me to recount Eddie's story, it was a midnight showing.

Anyway, the film made an indelible imprint on my brain cells, going down in my little noir book as a favorite. So this year ... as tempting as it was ... I skipped it, because, yes, I am a working girl and it was a Sunday.

No primer in why noir is the most satisfyingly entertaining, visually rich and just plain gutsiest film genre around is complete without Night and the City, so do yourself a favor, chum ... rent the DVD if you can't see it on the big screen. This is Greek tragedy, Noir City style, and Richard Widmark's swan song for the genre. He goes out but good.

So I did make it to the Castro for Roadhouse, throwing deadlines to the wind for the sake of Ida Lupino, Widmark, and Cornel Wilde. God, were they worth it.

Roadhouse (a Fox gem from 1950) showcases why Ida Lupino was one of the most talented, hard-boiled, toughly glamorous, vulnerable, and seductive actresses around. That voice, full of cigarette smoke and too many late nights, empty Scotch bottles and second-class train tickets. That face, filled with the pain of life, but still hoping to find something worthwhile to live for. She epitomizes and idealizes the dame that's as hard as nails and as soft as silk ... for the right guy.

Widmark was great, of course, as the jealous, spoiled owner of Jefty's Roadhouse, a juke joint with a bowling alley attached, the hot spot of a rural community somewhere near the Canadian border. But as much fun as it was watching Widmark tick and waiting for him to explode, Ida walked off with the movie.

She plays the piano. Really. And she sings, including one of my all-time favorites, "One for the Road." And after she croaks out the last line about that "long, long road," you will echo Celeste Holme's amazed and admiring line: "She does the most with no voice than anyone I've ever seen!"

Of course, noir denizens recognize Ida for her directing talents (The Hitchhiker) in addition to her unforgettable roles. But Roadhouse shows why this lady -- and Gloria Grahame -- remain enshrined as the holy women of Noir City.

Cornel and Celeste were excellent, too. I can't wait to get this baby on DVD.

So another year, another January, another Noir City. I realized this year that I mark my life by this festival ... it was three years ago, during a Noir City, that I realized the direction I wanted to take for the novel I was writing. It was just last year, during Noir City, that I received word of my publication for the same novel.

We're entwined now, like scotch and soda, or Bogart and trench coats, or dark, rainy streets flooded with neon. Next year, another passport, another festival. With Noir City, I will always take one more for the road.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Masks and Voices at Noir City 6

Saturday at Noir City showcased what the program describes as "Noir Head Trips" ... and they were right. Both movies played with your mind; one played with your heart.

Both also stretched the chronological boundaries many purists insist upon: The 3rd Voice, the first feature, dated from 1960, and the second film, Face Behind the Mask, from 1941 (same year as The Maltese Falcon).

And this reminds me ... if you ever get a chance to attend Noir City (San Francisco, Castro Theater) ... try next year, 7 is a lucky number ... you should go to the evening shows whenever possible, because the Czar of Noir (Eddie Muller) always has a scintillating story or two up his sleeve, and often brings remarkable people to the microphone.

At 7:30, before the evening showing of The 3rd Voice, he brought Foster Hirsch. This seminal and perceptive film critic and professor was charming and enthusiastic in discussing the director of the feature, the very talented Hubert Cornfield, a contemporary of Stanley Kubrick.

The late Mr. Cornfield felt unappreciated by audiences, unappreciated by critics, unappreciated by actors, unappreciated by everyone, really, except other people's wives ... a tidbit shared by Eddie that had emerged during a Cornfield on-stage discussion at L.A.'s lite version of Noir City. Even at an advanced age, and with the ravages of throat cancer, Hubert had been, in Eddie's words, "the horniest man I'd ever met."

This is what you miss when you go for the matinée.

So what about The 3rd Voice? Well, it offers noir stalwart Edmond O'Brien in a brash and hammy performance, Julie London (who should have insisted on separate billing for her cleavage), and a deliciously dark and complex turn by none other than good girl Laraine Day as the femme fatale. Laraine, in my mind, stole the show. Playing a long-time mistress and business partner spurned for a younger woman, she delivers a knock-out line early on: "If you can replace me ... I can replace you."

Let that -- and the fact that O'Brien's real-life wife, Olga San Juan (called the "Puerto Rican Pepper Pot") plays a prostitute -- be your enticements (along with Julie London or O'Brien's naked feet, depending on your preferences.)

The next film in tonight's mix was one of the best in Noir City 6, and, to me, even out-bleaks Night and the City for the most gut-wrenchingly depressing noir of all. It was directed by Robert Florey, who also gave us The Crooked Way (1949).

Face Behind the Mask stars Peter Lorre (always a stylized actor, but never better than here) as an optimistic, innocent immigrant from Eastern Europe, a watchmaker who wants nothing more than a chance to work.

Things go down hill from there. After suffering third degree burns in a hotel fire (because some schmuck was cooking in his room), his face is disfigured. "Good" society spurns him. No matter how skilled his hands, no one will give him a job. Until, at the point of suicide, he meets Dinky, a small-time crook more opportunistic than crooked, and the only person to see the man behind the mask of melted skin.

To survive, Lorre's watchmaker drifts into criminal activities. He meets a beautiful blind girl (the radiant and superb Evelyn Keyes) who also "sees" the real man. And yes ... things go down hill from there.

I missed Eddie's remarks for this movie (not following my own advice), but recognized the socio-cultural and political agenda. This is a film that scathingly indicts the "American Dream" in as unforgettable a fashion as The Prowler or Force of Evil, but because it lacks the formalism of the latter films -- and because of Lorre's sympathetic and poignant portrayal -- it reads as a devastatingly sad and bitter movie. The screenplay was written by the blacklisted writer Paul Jarrico, the man who would later give us Salt of the Earth.

This is a real rarity, not available on DVD, but if you can ever catch it ... get out a hanky and watch. I wasn't the only one in the theater with watery eyes.

Next up: Noir City ends with a bang -- that would be the inimitable Ida Lupino -- in Roadhouse, and Richard Widmark's best role ... Harry Fabian in Night and the City.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Marriage-Counseling, Noir City Style


Bogie was a great actor. Sure, he had a distinct presence, a remarkable voice, and nobody could mistake him for Ronald Colman. But given those idiosyncratic and unique characteristics, he could go from Rick Blaine to an egotistical wife-killer with one twitch of the eye.

Noir City on Friday, February 1st, showcased Bogie in one of his rarest films ... Conflict. Paired with a young Alexis Smith and squared against a psychiatrist in the rotund and lovable form of Sidney Greenstreet, Humphrey plots and plans to dispose of shrewish wife (and why, I ask, don't these women ever agree to a divorce?) Rose Hobart, and succeeds ... or does he?

The story was based on a story by Robert Siodmak (the personal favorite of Eddie Muller, the Czar of Noir -- gentleman and noirmaster extraordinare), though Siodmak never got to direct it himself. Instead, the under-appreciated Curtis Bernhardt, Siodmak's mentor, creates a suspenseful noir of psychology and murder, obsession and desperation ... all the stuff we crave. ;) This baby's not on DVD, but if you can catch it on TCM, don't miss it.

The second "wife-killing" feature was actually one of my favorites of the festival ... and not just because Noir City 6 is about stretching the boundaries of noir past the middle of the twentieth century. Obviously, that's a cause I'm proud to call my own, since I'm pushing it back to the first century A.D. The Suspect is one of a few "period" films screened at the Castro this year, and it is one of the best.

Though the source material -- the novel This Way Out by James Ronald -- was not set in Edwardian England, the film is. Eddie revealed in his pre-show talk that it was really a film about Dr. Crippen -- the story that Hitchcock always wanted to film.

The movie was directed by Siodmak, and is a knuckle-biter, proving once again what an incomparable actor Laughton was. His wife is an absolute harpy, a truly evil bitch of a woman, pure malice. The audience clapped when he finally got her.

The innocent girl he falls in love with is Ella Raines -- she of the startlingly blue eyes, even in luscious black and white. Ella projected more vulnerability than Bacall, that other famous Howard Hawks discovery, and it's in full force here.

I found that changing the film's setting enhanced the plotline and made it much more believable. Young women had fewer options in 1902, and divorce was scandalous, a sin, especially for a petit bourgeois business man like Laughton's character. And the time and place made it much more plausible that Ella might hook up with Laughton ... it also added to the sense of suffocation that hangs over the movie like Burt Lancaster with a pillow (OK, if you don't get that reference, email me). Henry Daniell (the star of many a horror film) plays a satisfyingly despicable fellow, and Rosalind Ivan channels one nasty harpy (look for her in Scarlet Street). Make no mistake -- The Suspect was as black as all night diner coffee.

So it's historical. And it's noir. It's also not on DVD, but hey--search for it. One terrific film, by Eddie's favorite director.

Later: Saturday at Noir City 6, and a Peter Lorre/Edmond O'Brien double feature of trick voices and face masks!

Friday, February 1, 2008

D.O.A. in Noir City

Last night would've made Jeannette MacDonald (and Clark Gable) proud. It would even have made pious priest Spencer Tracy (Father Mullin to you) unloosen his collar a bit.

If those cast members don't ring your bells, you've missed a sentimental favorite of San Franciscans everywhere: the 1936 MGM melodrama San Francisco, which features a very scary (and surprisingly authentic-feeling) earthquake scene. It's the movie that gave us our rousing anthem of a city song, "San Francisco" (the one that signals the show is about to start, when played by one of the Castro Theater's incredible pipe organists). It's all about the good ol' bad ol' days of the really swingin' Barbary Coast, which made the Condor Room and the strip joints of later years seem like Pollyanna's tame uncle Milton. It's not noir, but baby--it's San Francisco.

So why would they be proud, you ask? Because on another rainy, miserable, dark and stormy night (the only kind of weather that reflects the emotions on the screen), San Franciscans packed the Castro Theater for another night of Noir City: San Francisco Noir.

Eddie Muller, the Czar of Noir with the heart of gold, and uber-talented writer/director of The Grand Inquisitor, introduced the films of the evening, which led off with one of the most deliriously delicious B-noirs of the late '40s, D.O.A. He also announced some fabulous news for noirheads and film lovers everywhere: Noir City and the San Francisco International Film Festival will be teaming up to host a holiday of international noir. Can you say merci?

Graham Leggat, the Executive Director of the San Francisco Film Society, was on stage with Eddie to discuss the deal. While details are yet to be determined, think about what great noirs may be in the offering ... Rififi. Ossessione. Harikomi. Makes you want to learn how to say, "Build my gallows high, baby" in multiple languages, doesn't it?
(that last line is from Out of the Past, not only a SF noir, but also one of the best).

This terrific news was accompanied by a grim reminder of why the Film Noir Foundation exists. D.O.A. had to be shown on (suck in your gut, this hurts) DVD. Why? Because the only good 35 mm copy exists in the hands of some schmuck collector who would rather hoard it and see it rot than loan or rent it (for market prices) to a non-profit that could SAVE it. The only 16 mm print is in tatters. Such is the price of having classics in the "public domain."

When it comes to film preservation, there is no "public domain", really--there are only good collectors and bad collectors, and unfortunately, we were dealing with the latter.

But hey--The Prowler has bee restored, so maybe something can be done for D.O.A eventually. The case of these two films alone should prove why you need to contribute to the Film Noir Foundation, the non-profit behind Noir City. Ticket money directly funds film preservation. It saved a Josephy Losey classic and the best film made by Van Heflin and Evelyn Keyes from destruction ... and believe me, DVD is nice, but it isn't the same as film, especially when the film is too fragile to even digitalize.

And what about D.O.A.? It's a terrific noir premise ... man in bebop bar (San Franciscans loved their jazz, even in '49 B movies) gets poisoned with a radioactive substance (which for some reason the film shrinks from naming, other than "luminous toxin"), wakes up with one hell of a hangover, finds out he's going to die in one day or two weeks at the most, and spends the rest of the movie in LA tracking down the killer.

Incredible shots of the Bradbury building in LA (and a drugstore, complete with soda fountain--would that those were still around) ... evocative scenes in San Francisco, especially with sweaty suburban everyguy Edmond O'Brien hoofing it down Market Street (and in one clip, you can see the old Key System train crossing the bottom level of the Bay Bridge) . There's also Neville Brand's over-the -top-of-Mt. Everest imitation of a Richard Widmark psycho-thug, and Luther Adler as Majak, who sounds like he should be related to Spock, but is really a suave but sinister Middle Eastern "businessman."

Some very odd musical sound effects of comic wolf-whistles ... a music score by Dimitri Tiomkin that makes Max Steiner sound like Philip Glass ... and unintentionally funny dialog (when he sees his girlfriend for what he knows will be the final time, he asks "Is that a new outfit"?--must have been straight out of the manual on How to Talk to a Woman, copyright by Father Knows Best). All in all, a fun-filled B movie with more laughs than chills, but hey--laughter is chicken soup for the noir soul. I've seen it before (on a small screen), and it was most definitely worth seeing again.

If you want me to put on the film critic hat, I'll say this: B movies are more revelatory of the times than their more respectable brethren. D.O.A. dates from '49, released in 1950, the height of the witchhunts and hysteria that sent people to jail for believing in the Constitution. The film not only contains patronizingly sexist dialog (part of the post-war effort to retrain women out of the job market), but it also encapsulates the sense of hysteria, paranoia, xenophobia, and the "unknown danger within" mentality more obviously seen in such films as I Married a Communist (also known as The Woman on Pier 13.)

There are more reasons to see noir than the obvious ones ... so don't overlook D.O.A. Last night's viewing was particularly enjoyable because the daughter of leading lady Pamela Britton, a fine actress of great appeal, was in the audience.

Alas, this intrepid noir writer could not stay for the second feature, despite the great temptation of a woman's prison movie starring Gypsy Rose Lee's little sister (yup, Baby Rose!). I'll have to find The Story of Molly X outside Noir City limits.

I left my heart in San Francisco, but I left my no-doze at home ...

Next time: Bogie and Charles Laughton, on the final Friday of Noir City 6!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Big House ... Noir City at the Castro

Back again, with a tale already legendary ... and I don't mean the ones up on the screen.

Saturday, January 26th, was the biggest night in Noir City history ... the entire 1,400 seat Castro Theater was sold out. Yup, that many people crawled out on a rainy San Francisco night to pay tribute in the Dark, and boy, were they happy to do it.

Last night was not only the most successful evening in seven years of hot femme and homme fatales serving up cold revenge ... it was palpably the most exciting. An embarrassing treasure chest of noir riches awaited the denizens, and it wasn't filled with fools gold, angel face.

First, the noir anthology of the season, A Hell of a Woman--edited by Noir Queen Megan Abbott and filled with some of the finest writers of this or any era--was on sale in the mezzanine courtesy of the fabulous M is for Mystery bookstore--ready to be signed, sealed and delivered by the editor, publisher Dave Thompson and some of the writers in attendance. Ken Bruen, Cornelia Read, Christa Faust, Donna Moore, and the Czar himself, Eddie, are a few of the authors who contributed ... I'm lucky to live in a great writing community in the Bay Area, and even luckier to call some of them friends. They make me proud to be a writer.

Next, The Prowler. This unflinchingly harsh examination of bourgeois materialism and the abuse of authority is one of Dalton Trumbo's finest efforts. Already blacklisted, his name wasn't on the screen, but his thoughts, courage and honesty were in every line.

This movie was nearly lost--I saw the unrestored version a few years ago at the Balboa Theater--and, thanks to the Film Noir Foundation and noir-loving ticket buyers, The Prowler is back, better than ever. The restored print was amazing, and Van Heflin and Evelyn Keyes give the performances of their careers. If you ever get a chance to see this one ... don't miss it.

But that's not all! Before the film, James Ellroy (yeah, that James Ellroy) introduced it to the audience. He contributed money to save the movie, and spoke in Ellroyese about many things, mostly sex. Love him or hate him, the truth is you can't ignore him, and he filled the house with an inimitable energy--all 1,400 seats.

After The Prowler was the main reason I think the house was full: The Grand Inquisitor, and that actress of actresses, the amazing, wonderful and generous Marsha Hunt. Here's the scoop, if you haven't heard it. Remember I mentioned Eddie M. wrote a short story for A Hell of a Woman? Well, that was The Grand Inquisitor. And then last year, Eddie filmed it. And it starred Marsha Hunt, who, at 90, returned to the screen after a twenty-five year absence.

It was as if she never left. She is a phenomenal, incredible actress. I mean, we sat through classic Hollywood film noir, but this--this was new. Eddie directed. Marsha and terrific newcomer Leah Dashe starred. And Marsha ... Marsha took down the house.

An Oscar isn't good enough for her.

She was there to see it, to stand up and walk to the stage and feel the standing ovation. There are talented people, beautiful people, morally courageous people and kind, giving generous people. Marsha Hunt is all of the above, and God, how lucky we were to see The Grand Inquisitor with her in attendance.

(On a side note, last year I had the pleasure of thanking her for being a great role model when I purchased her book, The Way We Wore. I had just received my publication news that day, and it was bubbling out of me in every conversation, and I mentioned it to Marsha. She signed the book, "To my fellow author!" ... that's Marsha Hunt.)

Eddie's direction was nothing short of brilliant. If you get a chance to see this film, do it. And hope that our Czar of Noir will add to his repertoire, as gifted a director as he is a writer.

Finally, the night ended with another Dalton Trumbo treat, Gun Crazy. This daring, adrenalin-fueled romp of sexual symbolism is a classic. The film-making captures the essence of speed and makes you feel like you're on it ... and it offers one of the best lines in film noir, one that will resonate with the slacker generation:

"Two people died so we could live without working!"

Now, that's noir.

Since I'm a working girl, I can't use my Noir City passport every day this week ... and in fact, I had to skip the Sunday shows. On Tuesday, I'll be blogging about The Liar's Club, and why you need to buy it. And I'll end my dark sojourn next week, with the finale to a sensational year ... from the Noir Capital of the World, rainy, cold and foggy San Francisco.

Noir City, baby ... are those foghorns or my heart beating?